The Case for Pre-Marital Sex: Pt. 1

The tumultuous relationship that the U.S. has with pre-marital sex is largely tied to religious ideology, rise in abortions and fear of teen pregnancies. These fears are not only irrational and are not supported by data, but they are also inherently unfair. They contribute to inaccurate, fearful and chastising models of sex education that has been long overdue for reform.

In the book, Sex Without Guilt in the 21st Century, Dr. Albert Ellis outlines a rather thorough argument for why pre-marital sex is advantageous. Over the next few weeks, we’ll be going over these points in more detail, citing peer reviewed articles and studies, as well as highlighting the logic and fairness behind these arguments.

Sex positivity and acceptance of how varied sex can be is an integral process of sex therapy. We work to empower people to live their best, ethical, sexual lives. Learning how to be a sexual being within the framework of what YOU want and not what sex life you are expected to have.

Next post, we’ll be addressing the following points:

Premarital sex can:

  1. Provide sexual release

  2. Provides psychological release

  3. Help one practice sexual competence

Let’s see what we uncover!

What happens when teens are treated like child pornographers?

What happens when teens are treated like child pornographers?

“These antiquated laws were written for predatory adults who were transmitting or possessing child pornography,” said Sameer Hinduja, co-director of the Cyberbullying Research Center and professor of criminology at Florida Atlantic University. “They were not for youth who are using technology to sexually experiment.”

Can your orgasm while sleeping?

Can your orgasm while sleeping?

While men wake up to semen on their pajamas or sheets after a wet dream, a woman (or a person with female genitalia) probably won’t find the same type of physical “evidence” of a sleep orgasm. But that doesn’t mean they’re not happening.

Do You Know Where to Start with Sex?

Do You Know Where to Start with Sex?

“Compared to our swipe-right dating scene and all the totally NSFW shows on TV (ahem, The Affair), your own sex life can seem as bland as a saltine cracker. And while you should never get wild just because pop culture tells you to, there’s nothing wrong with getting creative in the bedroom.”

From Victorian chest pain medicine to disco-era straight sex drug, to perennial gay sex drug

From Victorian chest pain medicine to disco-era straight sex drug, to perennial gay sex drug

“Poppers” is the common name for this suite of compounds called alkyl nitrites. Though they may seem like the latest solvent for rebellious teenagers to huff, they’ve been around for decades. And they represent much more than a drug fad—they’re a cultural phenomenon whose journey has helped shape queer life as we know it.

Is Anxiety linked to Sex?

Is Anxiety linked to Sex?

“ ‘Sex anxiety,’ like Auteri experienced, isn’t an official medical diagnosis. It’s a colloquial term used to describe fear or apprehension related to sex. But it is real — and it affects more people than is commonly known.”

Do you practice elaborate masturbation? Why not?!

Do you practice elaborate masturbation? Why not?!

Elaborate masturbation is not a casual low key thing. It’s a high key thing, and that’s the point! You know all that self imposed anxiety you store because of societal pressure against being “too much”? Throw that away right now! Your elaborate masturbation date with yourself is a high key event, and you should prepare accordingly! Setting aside time and being intentional are two ways to prepare your mind, but take it a step further and start using your imagination.

The Relationship Between a Women's Sex Life and Age

Check out this great article about why some women’s sex drive decreases with age- the findings suggest it is more than just hormones. Many different life circumstances play a role, like a partner with health issues, loss of interest and even addiction. Sex therapy can help you find a satisfying sex life taking into account various life factors. It can also help with adjusting expectations and learning to cope with a new sexual reality.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/30/well/live/menopause-sex-decline-partner-husband-wife.html

The Benefits of Masturbation

Cultivating a healthy masturbation practice helps you learn more about your body and what feels good. It’s a precursor for a satisfying sex life with a partner(s) by empowering you to communicate about what you like. W

Sex therapy can help you develop a healthy sense of sexuality and learn more about yourself, your body and how to live your best sexual life.

Check out this great article outlining reasons why everyone should masturbate (it’s specifically geared towards women, but all genders can benefit from this!)

https://www.allure.com/story/benefits-of-masturbation

Control Fallacies in the Bedroom

Control. It is what gives us reassurance, safety, agency. But it can also dictate unhealthy behavior, reinforcing the irrational belief that we can control others or the situations around us. A control fallacy relates to how one views the locus of control in his/her/their life. Some people have an internal locus of control, which means that they attribute things that are happening to their own hard work or lack there of. Conversely, they also assume full responsibility for other’s feelings and behave in ways that preserve this belief. Other people have an external locus of control, attributing much of what they experience to fate or luck (and also seeing others as victims of such forces). This leads to a lack of taking responsibility and feelings of helplessness. We all live with and ascribe to both versions of these fallacies, but we tend to lean towards one over the other.

These fallacies often get played out in intimate sexual situations. For example, the person who fears losing control, so he rather pleasure his partner without fully receiving pleasure back. Or the partner who avoids vulnerability during sex and doesn’t advocate for what she really likes. Internal locus of control causes us to be mindful lovers, but can also take us down a rabbit hole of assuming too much responsibility over the other person’s pleasure. An external locus of control can lead us to be more experimental (since we are victims of fate either way) but also complacent. Before we know it, we avoid feeling vulnerable at all costs and feel helpless when it comes to our intimate lives.

Sex therapy and couple’s counseling can help unpack these fallacies and address how to cultivate a healthy balance of taking and ceding control. Intimacy is a delicate balance of feeling safe and also playful at the same time. Learning to embrace both of those concepts, which is tough, can go a long way in developing healthy sexual relationships.

Introvert vs. Extrovert Partners

What do you do when your partner is the life of the party and you enjoy quality time with the couch instead? How do you both get what you want and stay happy in your relationship?

Differing social needs in relationships is a very common theme amongst everyday couples. While one person may identify as an extrovert, the other person may see themselves as an introvert thus causing different views on going out and socializing. Introverts get their energy renewed by staying in and cozying up with a good book. Extroverts spend their energy by going out with friends and being the life of the party. 

While it may be hard to understand for the opposite individual, it is important that find that balance and compromise within the relationship.

In therapy, we would look at this situation from the perspectives of both individuals and try to see where we can change the potential cognitive distortions which may be present and interfering with seeing eye to eye when it comes to social needs of your significant other. Challenging these distortions makes way for a more positive thinking pattern which allows for both partners to be happy and content in their relationship while getting what they want and need. 



Damaging Messages in Sex Education

In the U.S., there is no standard curriculum for sex education, with many schools preaching abstinence only or not providing sex education at all. Sex is a fundamental human need, deemed as important as sleep and shelter. From childhood, we learn about (and are encouraged to develop) healthy sleep habits, eating habits and the fulfillment of other fundamental needs, like shelter. When we become adults, we then have a base from which to improve on and understand the importance of these basic needs. Except for sex. Yes we learn about the mechanics, but words like “pleasurable”, “fun” and “consensual” are rarely used in the discussion. We then stumble into the world of sexuality ill prepared; brimming with uncertainty and preconceived notions. But we are expected to perform, be confident and KNOW what we want and how we want it. These expectations put massive pressure on us all and creates more anxiety and trepidation around sex.

Check out this great article about the damaging messages in sex ed and what should be learned instead.

https://www.kinkly.com/4-damaging-messages-i-received-in-sex-ed-and-what-i-wish-id-learned-instead/2/17815

Sex Is Good for Our Health- Who Knew?!

This is not surprising!! Sex, deemed a basic human need as important as food and shelter, is good for our mental and physical well being. The Guardian published an article outlining this claim as well as what actually happens in the body when we are aroused. Enjoy :)

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/23/the-science-of-sex-what-happens-to-our-bodies-when-were-aroused